Thursday, 15 January 2015

worth a try.

It was finally said, that SS had feelings for me. How long have I waited for him to just tell me and have I refused to believe it until he did. And then when I do find out, it's said in past tense.
And I handled it nowhere near as well as I thought I would. I care so much more than I thought I would.
It's all I can think about for the past three days.
With all this thinking, and through discussing how I feel and where I stand with him. I have come to my own little conclusion, I think it'd be worth it to give us a try. And if I miss that chance to try, I might just be a little crushed.

Because being with him would come as naturally as breathing, how can't I want to be a part of that?

Monday, 12 January 2015

decisions.

I don't think I want it to lead anywhere with MF.
I don't know what I want.

There's no need to make any type of decision right now anyways.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

some days are harder than others.

So I woke up the other morning to find that posted on Facebook was an album of photos showing SL and his new girlfriend with captions that read 'I love you my love' and such.
So that was a slap in the face.
Seeing that picture of them kissing, not an easy thing. He was my man, those were my lips to kiss, and now...
Just to know that he has moved on so quickly. Ouch.
I am happy that he is happy. It is just hard to accept that it happened so quickly with someone else. Meanwhile I am sitting here and I can't even picture myself holding anyone's hand other than his, much less kiss and he's... full out in a relationship.
It's just hard. Some days are harder than other days and today just happens to be one of those harder days.
So I obviously have to try to see the positive. That this is a new chapter for me. I know that. I accepted that. Just seeing him move forward so quickly makes me feel like I didn't matter as much to him, when he meant the world to me. I know that emotionally for him it was over a while before it was for me, so I guess that explains it, it just doesn't make it any easier to see.
On the plus side I guess there's that things are good with MF. I am not at all rushed. The conversation was had a while back about where we stand and me needing time, and he even brought it up yesterday to talk again to make sure I was okay and that I knew that he was going to give me all the time I needed.
I appreciate that, that he would go through the trouble of talking about it with me again to be sure.
I just don't know where I stand. I am not at all ready for anything. That's the one thing I am sure of.

I just need to keep moving forward.

Sunday, 4 January 2015

effortless.

SS is going through some stuff right now. And I have so much to say to him, but somehow nothing comes out as well as it does on here. It's something about typing on a blank page, undisturbed by incoming notifications, and hearing the clicking of the keyboard. I find it calming.
But that's not the point.
So it looks like SS is going to get back together with SB. And I am not saying that that is a mistake. By all means it may be just what he needs, It's just that every time he tries to explain to me why he is getting back with her, his reasons just don't sound like the right ones.
They don't sound like the right reasons to risk everything and try again.
Even beyond reasoning, he said they are 100% starting fresh.
I don't believe that that is physically possible. He was the one who told me about the brick analogy anyways, how can you build a new house with old bricks? I think the best you can do is pick up where you left off, the same house as before, but with hope that the renovations will make it work this time. But there is no starting fresh, there will never be a scenario where they weren't already together. It's not possible, because they were. How can you start fresh, how can you not compare to what you had? Starting from scratch would mean not living together, how can you be satisfied with that when you previously lived with the person for years? Were only human. I don't think it possible not to compare to what you had.
And as for reasons, I think the only legitimate reasons are "because I want to" and "because I love her", and yet SS has literally never uttered those words to me. Maybe he just keeps them to himself. But what I always hear is "because I gave up" or "because it'll be different".

  • "because I gave up" - you can't base trying again on how it ended. You made the conscious decision to end the relationship previously. That was a choice. You can't base a new relationship on the mistakes of the past, so why would you base trying again on the mistakes of the past? It will not change how it ended, you may regret how it ended, but starting again won't change whether or not you gave up. So that doesn't mean you shouldn't try again, it just means if you do, this should be irrelevant to that decision.
  • "because it'll be different" - there really is zero guarantee of this, so I think that this also should be irrelevant to the decision making. Things are a lot easier said then done, I think we all know that. It's easy to say what would be done differently, but for a person to actually change their nature and habits, that's a rare thing and I don't think it's fair to ask that of someone.
Getting back together is a huge deal. And I just don't want him to do it for the wrong reasons. The amount of work that they have put into trying to figure out if they should get back together seems forced. Shouldn't it be something that just is easy, and happens because both sides want and need it to?

If two people are in love and both need to be together, I would hope with all my might that it would be effortless, or at least a lot easier than what I have watched SS go through.

none of their business.

Here's a point of view I haven't even approached yet on here. Work.
Typically it's completely not allowed, because as it stands now I am an employee and MF is a shift manager. So he isn't directly my boss, since I usually don't do the same shifts as him, but he is my superior. 
Of course, on New Years day when I stopped by with MF and a whole bunch of other people that were over to New Years, the little rat from the kitchen decided to make a complaint. She went to the assistant manager and complained that we are a couple and that it shows at work. 
First of, we are not a couple.
Second, we don't typically even work together and the two times we did, the girl who complained wasn't even there!
Third, we did nothing wrong at all because the one shift we worked together ran flawlessly.
Fourth, if they weren't happy with my work, they wouldn't be trying to make me full time instead of part time, but clearly they are, so who cares.
I find it incredibly frustrating. To boot, the assistant manager, AP actually approached MF about it. He got pretty pissed interrupted her and told her that so long as our quality of work continued to be fine, it was none of her god damn business what was going on. And I suppose it worked because I had a shift with AP yesterday and a meeting with her to discuss my hours and she didn't mention anything. 

But I find it incredibly frustrating all the same.

snowed in wasn't snow bad.

All was well in the end. As per usual I was stressed for no good reason.
We watched both Cheaper by the Dozen movies and New Years Eve.
In the end the discussion was not had, but I think it's okay. Things were said that leave me fairly confident that he understands where I stand without being blatantly told, which is sort of impressive for a guy.
A relationship is more of a "one of these days" thing at this point instead of a general concept, or so it seems. I think I am okay with that. Only time will tell.
I am just so hesitant. But at the same time, I had such an enjoyable night.

Then again ice cream and Netflix make me just as happy, so it's really hard to say what any of this means.

But in all seriousness, I was a wonderful time. It never got to a point where I felt like it was too much and I was uncomfortable. Things were just handled with such class, he discreetly made sure that I was okay with anything that was happening. And I appreciate MF so much for putting in the effort to make sure I wasn't uncomfortable.
Several times he mentioned to me that "it takes time" when referring to SL and to moving on, and so I think he understands. And I don't know... by 3AM we were both pretty drained of energy just talking, I was sitting in the L-bend of the sofa, him laying beside me, and I was playing in his hair. He fell asleep about two minutes in. But I was just at ease and lost in my thoughts that I just sat there and continued a good 15 minutes until I fell asleep myself. I woke up though shortly after, threw my blanket over him and went into my own bed. But those 15 minutes where I was lost in thought, they didn't terrify me.
I think in time this could be a good thing.

All in all it was a great evening.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

snowed in.

Just a simple movie night. Well mother nature had other plans because now we're being snowed in.

Breath in. Breath out. Don't panic.

holding on and letting go.

I still cannot fall back asleep, so I wanted to share the meaning of one of my tattoos.
I have script on the back of my ribs that reads:
the strength to hold on, the courage to let go
This tattoo means the world to me. First of, it is used in the world of gymnastics, the physical strength to hold on, for example to the bars, and the courage to let go of them to execute whatever scary but amazing dismount comes next.
But that's just a bonus for me. That is not what this phrase mainly represents for me.
For me it's about life overall. Having the strength to hold on to the things that matter, not to give up even when things get tough. And the courage to leave things in the past, to move on. The courage to know that you will be okay without these things or people.
It's a good reminder to oneself, that no matter how hard things seem, you do have the strength, and you do have the courage, you just need to look inside yourself and find them.

Most importantly you need to know when it is time to hold on, and when it is time to let go.

today has potential.

Today has the potential to be awful. And yet, it also has the potential to be wonderful. It's 7:55 in the morning, there is no good reason that I am awake, and yet I am. So I am sitting in bed blogging about the potentials of today.
Because I agreed to something today that I had been avoiding for a little while. I agreed to spending quality time with MF, just him and myself, having a small movie marathon. I had been avoiding it because I was too scared to give him the opportunity to make a move. But I believe that now I trust him not to.
I think the biggest potential that today holds is for us to have an honest discussion and for me to be clear and explain my concerns and needs. About the whole old bricks and new bricks mentioned in the previous post. It's a conversation that I know I really really should be having, just it's easier said then done.
It should almost be my goal today, to discuss it with him. What is the worst that can happen?
Worst case scenario he calls me crazy and claims he was never interested, that this is just how he acts with friends. Which essentially is not that bad at all because I am perfectly ready for friendship, it's the other stuff that is beyond me right now.
Best case scenario, he understands, and gives me the time I need since I explained myself.
I guess there's really no good reason not to talk about it.
This isn't high school, were both mature adults and we can discuss feelings opening and honestly.

Wish me the strength not to chicken out.

Friday, 2 January 2015

brick by boring brick.

SS said something really interesting to me tonight.
"make sure all your bricks are gone from your last relationship. cause if you start a new one with some of your old bricks, you end up building the same house."
I think that this summarizes nicely what I am going through. Needing to make sure that I am ready for something new and not just unwillingly recreating what I previously had.
And frankly, in the end, houses aren't built in a day.

Patience is everything.

here is to a new beginning.

After almost two and a half years it all came to a heart stopping end in a short 8-word text message. I don't know if I will ever forget receiving that message from SL.
"I don't see us as a couple anymore"
I am not saying that I will never move past it. I have accepted that I will. But this isn't the type of heartbreak I am just going to forget. It's marked me, it's become a part of who I am now. It's not like we didn't have relationship problems, but I just wasn't ready to stop trying and I felt like he ripped the rug out from under me.
I was not okay for while. I was far from okay. I haven't stopped missing him. What's helped me be okay is acceptance. Accepting that it is truly over. Accepting that I will find happiness without him. Accepting that I will one day be happy with someone else.
That day isn't today. And odds are it's not tomorrow. But I have accepted that one day I will wake up and be ready for something new.
This all happened about a month ago.
I am confused about where I stand now. So much has happened in such a little amount of time. Things already ended on quite a shitty note with SL, I mean it was by text. I just found that after such a long committed relationship I deserved more respect than that. The amount of respect I received in the days that followed was no better, he lied and was just mean. There's no other way to put it. He sent me a text on Christmas day that started with "I ain't in love with you anymore", as if just to remind me, in case I forgot. As if it was possible that I had forgotten. And I could hate him for that, I wanted to hate him for that, I was beyond angry. But I don't hate him, I don't know how to begin to describe the ocean of mixed emotions I have for SL, but they are not hate.
But I am not in love with SL anymore. I am in love with what we had, but not who he is. What I miss more than anything is our relationship, what it was and how it made me feel. But I have come to accept that I will find something not only better with someone else, but different.
Different being the key word.
It is because of different that I am afraid to get involved with someone else. Because I miss what I had so deeply that I am scared to subconsciously try to recreate it instead of enjoying something new.
Something new is what I need. I am just not ready for it yet.
And maybe I can find something new with MF, it sure seems like a possibility. I just need him to understand that I need time. I am not ready to let anything happen right now. He seems great and I have accepted that there is potential and possibility there, but that's about all I am ready to do- accept that.
And if MF can wait for me to be ready, without rushing me, then by all means I will be willing to give it my all. And if he tries to rush me, then odds are I will panic, and close up, and that will kill all possibility, but I can't help that I am still afraid, still nervous. And not a good butterflies in your stomach nervous, but a make you have a panic attack type of nervous.
But things are there, the flirting, the talking, the spending time together. It would be all too easy to turn it into a relationship. I am just too insecure and scared to commit right now, to give someone else power over my emotions. Hell, I barely understand my own emotions and feelings.
But were only two days into 2015, and there is a world of possibilities ahead of me, so who knows.

Step 1 was acceptance, and soon I will be ready for whatever comes next.